Self Pity Feels Dangerously Delicious
Leave the pity dish out for too long and it festers into bitterness
You ordered a Frappuccino, got a pumpkin spice latte, and the waiter tripped and dropped it all on you. The traffic was horrible. The heat is terrible. The elevator is out of service. The guy behind the counter won’t bill you already. You dropped your phone, it didn’t have a screen guard. The camera lens broke. Your heart broke. You are broke. The world hates you and you hate everyone now.
You carry on nonetheless. Things happen. You enter the meeting room. Your colleague is tapping away at the desk. The clerk is clearing his throat. The interns are too loud. You want to flip them all off. You settle for a glare and spend the rest of the day with your face set like a sculpted statue.
You put your head down and do your job. The day is almost over. Dinner and sleep now. Except, your groceries are infested. Your stomach is a little upset. You spend the night throwing up and before you know it, it’s the next day.
When you don’t process it, accept it, you suppress it. Before long, you are subconsciously tracking patterns. The voice in your head is asking questions. Why me? Why only me? Why is nothing going my way? Why do my colleagues not like me? Why can’t I get anything right? Just one peaceful day.
And that helps. At least initially. A shift of blame. It’s not you. It’s your ‘bad luck’. It is the people around you who are bad at their jobs, who lack civility. It’s the weather’s fault. It’s the city’s fault. Society’s fault. Government’s fault. God’s fault.
And just like that, you went from being Ms. Frowny Face to being Ms. Complains A Lot. It’s the only way you communicate anymore. The habit turns into a personality and before you know it, people tend to avoid you. Dislike your company. For no matter how kind a person is, they eventually distance themselves from people who constantly drain them.
But was it them who distanced themselves from you? Or did your own constant grumpiness, whining, and woe-is-me attitude push them away?
By now, you have acquired a skill. To turn every situation, every comment, every inconvenience into a weapon that protects your ego. Self pity becomes a defence mechanism. It appeals to the narcissist in you. The pleasure of attention while you play the victim. It feeds into your fears, forcing you to stay in the safe zone. You have convinced yourself of your righteous self-despondency. It’s not you, never you, it’s everybody else around you.
The isolation is now named solitude. You are waiting for a change of events. Hoping for someone who will understand you. But you refuse to open the door to them when they knock. Nobody seems good enough when viewed from the throne of pretentiousness.
While you trained your brain to ruminate misery and loop negativity, life moved on. While you were dwelling in your suffering, others were getting along just fine. How long before you snap out of it? Step out of it?
Because here’s the answer to “why only me?” You probably missed the waiter’s profuse apologies. Missed the distress on his face, perhaps from something going on in his life. You were lost in your own struggles while the kids climbed the stairs alongside you, laughing at something mundane. You couldn’t notice the colleagues addressing each other, one agreeing to keep their hands still and the other to keep their voice down. You didn’t see the missed calls on your phone from your loved ones, calling to check up on you. You failed to notice that all the people around you were also going through many of the same things.
The difference? They didn’t just whine about it. They communicated. Nobody expects the waiter to bring the dish before they have placed the order.
If there was a problem, they voiced it out. If it was a situation, they laughed about being in the same boat. If it was inevitable, a real hindrance to their mental health, they stepped back. Be it a person, place, or situation, they decided to leave and prioritise their peace.
It is not wrong to feel bad about something that hurts you. But to keep yourself chained to that feeling, with a hyperfocus on only the negativity, to believe you are unique to this experience, that is the real pity. A handy excuse for everything wrong.
We need to learn to allow ourselves to truly feel the pain without forever attaching ourselves to it. Without keeping a mental ledger just to whip it out anytime something brings up your insecurities. To use it as proof whenever your self-esteem questions your accomplishments.
You are not as helpless as you think or feel. Seek out help if required, but first show yourself the kindness and understanding we readily bestow upon our friends and family. Why not love yourself that way too? Embrace the pain, the rage, frustration, and hurt, and then let it go. Open up those fists and let it all fly away.
Authors Note: Life is too valuable to spend pitying it instead of living it. I hope we all realize that soon and love ourselves more!
what if self-pity is just noticing too little? the lens narrows to me, everyone else drops out of frame. it was never only you.